ASKING A QUESTION?
We have been together for more than 10 years. Despite some attempts to stop the fade-out, our intimacy—which I mostly mean sex and physical affection, but certain other forms of attachment as well—diminished with time. I would really like to hear from folks who have overcome a similar issue to maintain a close, if not very sexually active, marriage.
After having our children and seeing things worsen, we eventually began relationship therapy. Not too long ago, we finally started talking about the huge, ugly elephant in the room out loud, and it appears to have helped some. I’m far more invested in my spouse.
However, we are very much best friends, and we are both very much dedicated to working on this. This year is sort of our Year of the Marriage, on both parts, and we are trying. We go to therapy. We spend time together. We’ve had more sex at this point in the year than we had possibly all of last year. Divorce has never been on the table, for what it’s worth, though I am sane enough to know that in the long term, nothing is off the table. We work well as a team, and always have, and have similar beliefs about commitment and about life in general that mean that in many ways we ARE great together.
What I want from you is not so much relationship advice (…you’d have very little to go on for that), but reassurance that relationships can recover after faded-out intimacy, that someone can become attracted again when that attraction has faded. I want something to come and read whenever I start getting freaked out, or I want to know that it’s probably not going to happen and that we need to start coming up with a contingency plan of some sort.
ANSWER
It is good that you want to talk about what is causing you distress and anxiety, but you are choosing the wrong person to talk to about it. In addition to your relationship counselling you shovel have individual counselling so you can talk through your anxieties in a non-destructive way. Anxiety is pretty much the anti-foreplay, and getting a hold of yours (in the healthy way I have seen in several long-term partnerships) can definitely rekindle intimacy.
I recommend you read this books
-The seven principle for making marriage work by JOHN GOTTMAN
-Hold ME TIGHT BY sue johnson
-The five love language by GARY CHAPMAN
-Love sense by SUE JOHNSON
-Getting the love you want by HARVILLE HENDRIX
This books provides helpful advice and insights on how to build and maintain a strong, lasting relationship.